...are apparently easier to come by than i thought.
15 years isn't so long in the land of friendship, as i just learned from what i considered a close friend, who, putting words in my mouth, wrote, "if you're even suggesting [xyz] you can fuk off".
he is caught up in the land of daves. when i suggested it may be that he can't play the dual role of being "best friends" with the dave here, and "good friends" with me, saying that i should really just leave him be, i was countered with the "go f yourself" phrase.
this is the first time i've been told to fuk off by a good friend, or whom i thought was one. essentially, the game is changing here, from one that was built on solidarity to one that is every man for himself. i never saw it coming.
needless to say i don't want it to. that'll become more & more apparent, but for now it's probably safer to put outright. girlfriends usually state things & ask if the assumptions are correct before moving on with the "fk-off" statements; males, apparently, just forge on ahead. mabbatical reason #2.
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Daves
Dave is an operative word for a type of male that roams the northeast with abandon, much like the roaches we see on the streets (and in bad restaurants). the Daves are conveniently selfish, keep their spare girls around them until needed, and do not respond well when called upon to put out or shut up. the Daves become upset when you figure out their game, when you try to go forward with what they say they want to happen, and generally throw hissy fits when they can't be left alone to "just walk their dogs".
The dog wasn't mentioned to me early on. Early on here would denote about 3~4 days, as the entire discourse lasted not much longer than 2 weeks.
More specifically: this Dave bothered to email me 15x / day. In the course of those emails he expressly said he wanted to "get to know me" and "hang out" because "we connected so well" and that the "dust should settle soon" (he's getting out of a rel'p, or so he says) and the next thing after we'd had conversations about those things he informed me, "all I ever wanted to do is walk my dog" which *was not* what he'd been saying. "I move July 25 (out west), you can visit on 28th". It's horseshit. All I'm saying is that it seems to me he was just keeping me as an option and would have done so *interminably* had i not been so bold as to ask, god forbid, can we talk instead of these 30 exchanges per day? That blew it for him and is when he said, out of blue, "we should change our expectations".
I *had not* been pressuring for anything save openness, and he was okay with that until it was inconvenient and he seemed to realize that I, unlike he (!), had actually meant it when I said I'd like to hang out, get to know him. In the midst of all this, he suggested (outright) that I "put (other) dating on hold". Usually when people say that they mean they want to hang out w/ you, go on dates or whatever. I think. Or I thought. But now I don't think that anymore.
Honestly, I don't misread people often; I pride myself in it because I think I'm pretty clear / direct, and what bothers me is not getting the same in return. This is why I'm in sales, that is perhaps my one, strongest strength. Honesty, like honey, gets more flies than vinegar.
I expected more of a 37 year old, whom should know himself well enough- if he knew he was in a mess (breaking up with a gf- and really, he has plans to move across the country and no plans to take her with, so I rightly assumed that she wasn't an issue) and couldn't deal, then don't start w/someone & don't imply /outright say what you don't mean, for gods' sake.
And when I asked if he could just see my side of it, he pretty much threw a fit. An immature fit. Telling me that, when I said I was only taking what he'd written for just that, that I was analyzing it like a contract, when all I was doing was *trusting* what he said as it being what he meant. I don't think, given the quotes I wrote above, it was that unreasonable to think he had intentions other than just walking his dog.
Situations change and I get that, but he could have left out a number of comments so that it would have been left as a friendship and nothing more. I've *lots* of friendships w/the opposite sex but they have never written even 1/4 of the things he'd written and that's why they are *friendships* . But for him to throw a fit because I was (I think justly) confused about what was going on (which was nothing, contrary to the "connection" he referenced) is nuts and unfair.
My point: what's the point of having any dialogs w/anyone, about anything, if they don't mean what they say?
A good friend of mine attended a briefing by her company's "trend team" and pointed out that this month's thing was the discovery that people are becoming far more tolerant of misrepresentations, lies both white and big, and brushing them off like, "oh well, that suks" and as much as I'd like to be part of that movement, I'm not. Things affect different people differently because of their make-up and resultant expectations. It so happens that my make-up requires no BS and a nearly-unaskable amount of honesty. I'm learning that I'm in a sad minority and that this is going to make me finding a bf, never mind actual mate, nearly impossible.
Its just really frustrating. Really disheartening and tough to swallow. As you can see, it doesn't have that much to do w/Dave himself, just that sadly I probably have a lot of Daves to face in this world.
The same forementioned friend just informed me she's unable to meet for a drink, and i responded "sad Sharon"....a pun off of the "sad David", who was seemingly upset that we wouldn't meet up one Sunday as planned. in this age of not only accepted, but expected, lies, need we reaffirm 2 times, 3 times, swear on someone's grave that we indeed, mean what we say? I truly was slightly sad that she's unable to meet...but just how sad need one be, to mean it?
The dog wasn't mentioned to me early on. Early on here would denote about 3~4 days, as the entire discourse lasted not much longer than 2 weeks.
More specifically: this Dave bothered to email me 15x / day. In the course of those emails he expressly said he wanted to "get to know me" and "hang out" because "we connected so well" and that the "dust should settle soon" (he's getting out of a rel'p, or so he says) and the next thing after we'd had conversations about those things he informed me, "all I ever wanted to do is walk my dog" which *was not* what he'd been saying. "I move July 25 (out west), you can visit on 28th". It's horseshit. All I'm saying is that it seems to me he was just keeping me as an option and would have done so *interminably* had i not been so bold as to ask, god forbid, can we talk instead of these 30 exchanges per day? That blew it for him and is when he said, out of blue, "we should change our expectations".
I *had not* been pressuring for anything save openness, and he was okay with that until it was inconvenient and he seemed to realize that I, unlike he (!), had actually meant it when I said I'd like to hang out, get to know him. In the midst of all this, he suggested (outright) that I "put (other) dating on hold". Usually when people say that they mean they want to hang out w/ you, go on dates or whatever. I think. Or I thought. But now I don't think that anymore.
Honestly, I don't misread people often; I pride myself in it because I think I'm pretty clear / direct, and what bothers me is not getting the same in return. This is why I'm in sales, that is perhaps my one, strongest strength. Honesty, like honey, gets more flies than vinegar.
I expected more of a 37 year old, whom should know himself well enough- if he knew he was in a mess (breaking up with a gf- and really, he has plans to move across the country and no plans to take her with, so I rightly assumed that she wasn't an issue) and couldn't deal, then don't start w/someone & don't imply /outright say what you don't mean, for gods' sake.
And when I asked if he could just see my side of it, he pretty much threw a fit. An immature fit. Telling me that, when I said I was only taking what he'd written for just that, that I was analyzing it like a contract, when all I was doing was *trusting* what he said as it being what he meant. I don't think, given the quotes I wrote above, it was that unreasonable to think he had intentions other than just walking his dog.
Situations change and I get that, but he could have left out a number of comments so that it would have been left as a friendship and nothing more. I've *lots* of friendships w/the opposite sex but they have never written even 1/4 of the things he'd written and that's why they are *friendships* . But for him to throw a fit because I was (I think justly) confused about what was going on (which was nothing, contrary to the "connection" he referenced) is nuts and unfair.
My point: what's the point of having any dialogs w/anyone, about anything, if they don't mean what they say?
A good friend of mine attended a briefing by her company's "trend team" and pointed out that this month's thing was the discovery that people are becoming far more tolerant of misrepresentations, lies both white and big, and brushing them off like, "oh well, that suks" and as much as I'd like to be part of that movement, I'm not. Things affect different people differently because of their make-up and resultant expectations. It so happens that my make-up requires no BS and a nearly-unaskable amount of honesty. I'm learning that I'm in a sad minority and that this is going to make me finding a bf, never mind actual mate, nearly impossible.
Its just really frustrating. Really disheartening and tough to swallow. As you can see, it doesn't have that much to do w/Dave himself, just that sadly I probably have a lot of Daves to face in this world.
The same forementioned friend just informed me she's unable to meet for a drink, and i responded "sad Sharon"....a pun off of the "sad David", who was seemingly upset that we wouldn't meet up one Sunday as planned. in this age of not only accepted, but expected, lies, need we reaffirm 2 times, 3 times, swear on someone's grave that we indeed, mean what we say? I truly was slightly sad that she's unable to meet...but just how sad need one be, to mean it?
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